Disgusted with my body

I had to buy new clothes today. Why? Because my hubby's company holiday party is tomorrow. I am wearing a size 18. It's nasty. I bulge everywhere a woman shouldnt' be bulging. I used to be beautiful. I used to be sexy. Now I eat, eat, eat. I haven't stopped eating like I was pregnant since I gave birth to my two beautfiul girls. I look at women with babies younger than my youngest that look WAYYYYY better than me and I want to kill myself. I can't believe I let myself end up this way. Weight issues run in my family and I used to be so active and work out all the time and eat healthy. Now I eat what is convenient, I cook what is easy and not exactly healthy. I gave up my gym membership years ago and even though I buy work out videos, they just sit on my shelf mocking me.

So, I took pics of myself in this hideous outfit I had to buy b/c it fit. I also bought all kinds of undergarments to try and hide the bulges. I feel like when everthing is on my chin multiplies b/c that's the only place for the fat to run to. I'm dreading tomorrow. D-R-E-A-D-I-N-G. I just know people are going to think I'm pregnant again and I'm not, that's the worst part. Why the hell does plus size stuff have to be empire and look like it's maternity????? All this said, I don't see myself losing weight anytime soon. Nice, huh? I hate myself but I'm too lazy to actually do something about it. Yup. Sucks to be fat. Sucks to be stuck in a rut.

Hey, at least my girls are going to look divine in their matching dresses.

Feeling Funky again

I donated my hair yesterday to Pantene's Beautiful Lengths. I've been wanting to cut my hair for awhile as I just haven't been feeling the long hair anymore. I prefer short hair. I had so much that I knew I didn't want it just getting swept away to the dumpster when I decided to go short again. I found out about Beautiful Lengths on Oprah. Hillary Swank donated hers on the show and as soon as I saw it I knew I would be cutting my hair soon.

I've been wanting to do something funky again and saw a link to purple hair (thanks Alicia) and knew that's what I wanted to do.

So yesterday I went and here is the finished effect. I LOVE it.







We went out to dinner last night and stopped for coffee at the new Starbucks that opened near our house. I picked up an application as I we've decided I'll work outside the home PT instead of working from home as that's getting too stressful for me. I love the idea of working at Starbucks b/c 1. great ins benefits, 2. free coffe and 3. working with people that speak in complete sentences! LOL I think the adult interaction will be great for me. My dh said between my hair, tattoo and nose ring I'm a sure thing for the job. LOL

Going back to school

I finally came to the decision to go back to school. I've always been into graphic design, web page development, etc. and now I want to get the hands on training to actually do it. I was walking down this path before I got preggo with Tolla and of course had my handsful ever since. Now that Teagan will be a year in Jan and there are NO plans for another baby anytime soon, I thought what the hell, let me dip my toes back into the pool of school.

I will probably only take one class just to ease my way back in and see if this is really what I want to do. I'm a little nervous because to be honest, the last time I took a couple of courses, I dropped out before the semester ended. I think because this is something I really want to do it will be differet.

I still want to work towards becoming a doula as well. It's just that will be so much harder at this point in time. And I really really really need to witness a birth before I make that decision. I'm not sure about the whole ick facter outweighing the helping/amazing factor. My bf is due today and I'm so sad that I don't live back in Florida so I could be there with her. Ah well. The opportunity for that will present itself eventually.

Happy Halloween

This was the first year we took Tolla out to trick or treat. We had fun even though we got a later start than I wanted. We went to our neighbor Gail's house first. Tolla went inside and didn't want to leave. LOL We hoped this wasn't a trend and she only did so cuz we go over there once in a while. However, the next house we went to we don't visit and she tried to go in again! uh oh. We told her she couldn't and she didn't try to go into any more houses (thank goodness). She loved ringing the doorbells and saying trick or treat, then she'd open her little bag (as long as mommo would remember to let go her hand). She'd always say thank you afterwards. A couple times she kept her bag open and got a few more treats! LOL There was one house we went to that was really decorated and the guy was dressed up like a skeleton on the porch while you ring the doorbell. He was really quiet and just kind of waved his fingers at Tolla. She would not take her eyes off him! I don't know what she thought of him but even after she got her treat and we put her back in the wagon she just wouldn't stop staring. I think she may have been a little scared. It was cute and he said happy halloween as we were leaving. She just had a blast though. As we pulled up to the next house she'd already be trying to get out of the wagon to go up to the door! It didn't seem like there were a lot of trick or treaters out this year though. In past years I remember the street being lined with kids and this year it wasn't like that. We still have a ton of candy left over and I think because we didnt' decorate for halloween this year we didn't get as many trick or treaters. Bummer, we'll definately be decorating next year! Here are some pics: And some video of Tolla earlier in the day: