Selling and giving away baby clothes

It seems I'm always going thru the outgrown clothes for the girls. It's easy enough when Tolla outgrows something b/c I just put it in a box for that size and save it for Teagan. But, recently, Teagan has started to outgrow her clothes. As I take the outgrown clothes out of her drawers I hold them up and fold them gingerly remembering her wearing each outfit. It's so dorky I know but I do it. Then I decide whether to sell it or just put it in a box to my bestfriend in Florida. I already sent her a big box of newborn stuff and now I'm getting ready to send some 3-6 mos stuff. How much handmedown stuff is too much? I guess she'll let me know when I should stop sending. I just hate to think that they won't get another baby to wear them. Some of the outfits were so cute and it's touching that part of me that is so sad to think that I will not have a baby that small again. Maybe, just maybe down the road I'll have another one but right now I don't think that will happen. I would love to have a little boy if I could some day but for now I just have to put away that part of my life and that means purging the clothes. I know it seems so irrational to feel this way. I love my girls and how they are growing and changing but still.....it's those tiny clothes that get me every time.

BabyBodyBirth

I received this email for this company offering training to become a certified childbirth educator with their curriculum. At first it was weird to get this email but then I realized I'm a CAPPA member so that's probably how they got a hold of my info. I am really excited as this seems to be the route I would like to go to start my path to becoming a doula. Today I called the founder, and spoke to her at great length about her company, vision and ideas. While I'm a little hesitant as it is a new company and new to training CBE's the vision really clicked with me. It's more about the woman and less about the hospital or procedures. It seems more intuitive to me while still being informative. It is more positive than scary. I really want to do it. The cost is quite a bit more than if I became a CBE thru CAPPA, but I felt more connected with this curriculum. I feel like I will have more one on one support as well since we will all be working to make the company a success. I still have more questions of course but I just feel really excited about this. TJ said he supports me if this is what I want to do. The cost overall would be about $800. Looking at the website they charge $150/couple for the 5wk birth series and about $60 for their other body and baby classes. I honestly feel that in my area there would be a great demand for these types of classes and I could probably get my midwives to refer their clients to me. Also, the birthing center out here had very positive things to say about BBB and referring their clients to the classes as well. This email and information just seemed to come to me at a right time as I've been thinking about what to do so often. My goal in '08 is to begin my path to doula certification and I think that will be via becoming a CBE. I just need to make sure we can justify this cost.

Disgusted with my body

I had to buy new clothes today. Why? Because my hubby's company holiday party is tomorrow. I am wearing a size 18. It's nasty. I bulge everywhere a woman shouldnt' be bulging. I used to be beautiful. I used to be sexy. Now I eat, eat, eat. I haven't stopped eating like I was pregnant since I gave birth to my two beautfiul girls. I look at women with babies younger than my youngest that look WAYYYYY better than me and I want to kill myself. I can't believe I let myself end up this way. Weight issues run in my family and I used to be so active and work out all the time and eat healthy. Now I eat what is convenient, I cook what is easy and not exactly healthy. I gave up my gym membership years ago and even though I buy work out videos, they just sit on my shelf mocking me.

So, I took pics of myself in this hideous outfit I had to buy b/c it fit. I also bought all kinds of undergarments to try and hide the bulges. I feel like when everthing is on my chin multiplies b/c that's the only place for the fat to run to. I'm dreading tomorrow. D-R-E-A-D-I-N-G. I just know people are going to think I'm pregnant again and I'm not, that's the worst part. Why the hell does plus size stuff have to be empire and look like it's maternity????? All this said, I don't see myself losing weight anytime soon. Nice, huh? I hate myself but I'm too lazy to actually do something about it. Yup. Sucks to be fat. Sucks to be stuck in a rut.

Hey, at least my girls are going to look divine in their matching dresses.

Feeling Funky again

I donated my hair yesterday to Pantene's Beautiful Lengths. I've been wanting to cut my hair for awhile as I just haven't been feeling the long hair anymore. I prefer short hair. I had so much that I knew I didn't want it just getting swept away to the dumpster when I decided to go short again. I found out about Beautiful Lengths on Oprah. Hillary Swank donated hers on the show and as soon as I saw it I knew I would be cutting my hair soon.

I've been wanting to do something funky again and saw a link to purple hair (thanks Alicia) and knew that's what I wanted to do.

So yesterday I went and here is the finished effect. I LOVE it.







We went out to dinner last night and stopped for coffee at the new Starbucks that opened near our house. I picked up an application as I we've decided I'll work outside the home PT instead of working from home as that's getting too stressful for me. I love the idea of working at Starbucks b/c 1. great ins benefits, 2. free coffe and 3. working with people that speak in complete sentences! LOL I think the adult interaction will be great for me. My dh said between my hair, tattoo and nose ring I'm a sure thing for the job. LOL

Going back to school

I finally came to the decision to go back to school. I've always been into graphic design, web page development, etc. and now I want to get the hands on training to actually do it. I was walking down this path before I got preggo with Tolla and of course had my handsful ever since. Now that Teagan will be a year in Jan and there are NO plans for another baby anytime soon, I thought what the hell, let me dip my toes back into the pool of school.

I will probably only take one class just to ease my way back in and see if this is really what I want to do. I'm a little nervous because to be honest, the last time I took a couple of courses, I dropped out before the semester ended. I think because this is something I really want to do it will be differet.

I still want to work towards becoming a doula as well. It's just that will be so much harder at this point in time. And I really really really need to witness a birth before I make that decision. I'm not sure about the whole ick facter outweighing the helping/amazing factor. My bf is due today and I'm so sad that I don't live back in Florida so I could be there with her. Ah well. The opportunity for that will present itself eventually.

Happy Halloween

This was the first year we took Tolla out to trick or treat. We had fun even though we got a later start than I wanted. We went to our neighbor Gail's house first. Tolla went inside and didn't want to leave. LOL We hoped this wasn't a trend and she only did so cuz we go over there once in a while. However, the next house we went to we don't visit and she tried to go in again! uh oh. We told her she couldn't and she didn't try to go into any more houses (thank goodness). She loved ringing the doorbells and saying trick or treat, then she'd open her little bag (as long as mommo would remember to let go her hand). She'd always say thank you afterwards. A couple times she kept her bag open and got a few more treats! LOL There was one house we went to that was really decorated and the guy was dressed up like a skeleton on the porch while you ring the doorbell. He was really quiet and just kind of waved his fingers at Tolla. She would not take her eyes off him! I don't know what she thought of him but even after she got her treat and we put her back in the wagon she just wouldn't stop staring. I think she may have been a little scared. It was cute and he said happy halloween as we were leaving. She just had a blast though. As we pulled up to the next house she'd already be trying to get out of the wagon to go up to the door! It didn't seem like there were a lot of trick or treaters out this year though. In past years I remember the street being lined with kids and this year it wasn't like that. We still have a ton of candy left over and I think because we didnt' decorate for halloween this year we didn't get as many trick or treaters. Bummer, we'll definately be decorating next year! Here are some pics: And some video of Tolla earlier in the day:

Long over due post

It's been awhile since I've posted b/c we all got the stomach flu and then I went thru a pretty dark time with myself and just didn't want to post that in my blog. Crazy, I know, maybe it would've helped to get it out.

So updates, Teagan is 9 months old now and weighs 13lbs 11 oz. Crazy small for her age. I'm trying to change the way I eat to help her get better bm. My mother's intuition is telling me that if I change my eating habits and eat healthier foods she will get more nutrient and caloric bm. We'll see. I have 6 weeks to put my theory to the test. She hates the baby food I make. Drives me nuts. I bought some Earth's Best baby food and she eats that up but when I try to give her the stuff I've made, she refuses to eat it. Not fair. I loved making baby food for Tolla and never had a problem getting her to eat it. I'm going to keep trying though. Teagan says Mama! Omg, it's the cutest thing ever to hear her say it and she'll say it until I come get her so she must know it means me! I Love it. She is started to creep along the furniture and is getting more confident at landing on her butt when she pulls her self up on something. Which is so much better than her screaming for someone to come rescue her! She has stopped sleeping thru the night ever since we were all sick so that sucks. She waks at about 1 or 2a and then 5a. She refuses to nurse laying down so I dont' get to snuggle with her while she nurses and I snooze. That bums me out and makes me tired. She also does this crazy thing where she switches sides about 3 x's during a nursing session. I'm hoping that by doing this elimination diet maybe that will subside and I can get her to nurse normally again. We'll see.

Tolla is doing great. She's saying more and more words. Sometimes she just walks around the house pointing at things and saying the name! It's really cute. She loves to "spell" but it's always B-A-B-O or something. And she loves to count except she always counts 1-2-1-2. We're working with her more and more on counting to 10 and I think she will be there very soon. Her new favorite movie is The Little Mermaid and she is going to be a mermaid for Halloween. She likes this new PBS show called Word World and I think that's where the spelling things comes in. They say their going to build a word and then do a little dance and she's like to dance along, it's adorable!

My bf is due to have her baby next month and I'm getting very excited. I just wish I lived near her.

I got my hair dyed on Sat too. I LOVE it. I feel funky again and I've been losing weight so that makes me feel good too. I really want to get back to my pre preg weight with Tolla. I've got about 32 lbs to go.

Standing

Ah, the joys of learning to stand! LOL Twice after I put the girls to bed, Teagan was crying because she stood up in the crib and could get back down! LOL I'm proud of her standing but not when I'm trying to put them to bed and she wakes up Tolla because she's afraid to fall back down. I know it's a short stage and it was very cute to see her standing in her crib (it was the first time she'd one that).

She's growing up so quickly.

Another milestone!

Teagan pulled herself up the other day. I couldn't believe it! Though I knew it was coming b/c she has been pulling herself to her knees on me. She has also started to crawl more on her hands and knees though when she really wants to get somewhere she changes back her army crawl b/c she can get around faster! LOL I honestly think she will begin cruising any day now. She just has to build a little more strength in her legs. Also, her 2nd tooth has pushed thru so now she has TEETH! LOL

I took her to The Picture People today (to enter her in the YoBaby contest of course!) I ended up getting a free 10x13 of her standing and an 8x10 of her naked little smile. Here they are. I love them! I can't wait to hang the pic of her standing since I had an empty frame for it already. I need to buy a frame for the 8x10 -- looks like I'll be going to big lots tomorrow! LOL

And the streak is over

Teagan woke up last night @ 3:30a to nurse! :( It was nice while it lasted. Her new tooth busted thru so maybe that was what woke her. We'll see how it goes this week!

SIL is pregnant

My mil called this morning and told my dh that his sister is pregnant. This will be her 3rd child. She has 2 cute little boys about 22 months apart. The oldest is 5 and the youngest 3. When I found out I was so excited but then immediately I got sad. This is very strange to me. I think it's b/c I just got my IUD and I KNOW I can't get pregnant right now. It's just a very strange feeling. Even thought I do NOT want to get pregnant right now and that it would totally KILL my marriage if I did, it's just weird knowing that I can't. And then the question pops into my mind, will I EVER have another baby? I don't know? My dh just doesn't seem fit for any more. I mean, he had a really hard time transitioning with Teagan and still has moments. As for me, I feel lately that I've even been having moments of meltdown. So I know a 3rd at this moment is not good for us but it was just that feeling of will I? that totally got me down. I feel a good victory is that I did get the IUD and we didn't do anything permanent so we were able to keep our options open. I think we'll be able to revisit the possibility again once we get back on our feet financially. IF we ever do have another, we definitely need to have a bigger house. Or maybe I just have to come to peace with the fact that we are a family of four.

CAPPA

My mom bought me two years membership so I can get on my way to getting my doula certification. I decided to become a childbirth educator first though. I think it is more fitting for my life right now with two young children. CAPPA has a scholarship program and I sent my application in yesterday. It has to be in by Oct 1, so fingers crossed that it gets there in time. I'm not holding my breath to receive the scholarship though. I feel like I'm probably not the person who most needs it, but it sure would be helpful. As I was doing more research on becoming a doula, I came across Rocky Mountain Doula Educators and have been emailing back and forth with regard to hosting a Doula Workshop next year. This would really help with the cost (it's $365) and if I host I get a sizable discount if not get the training for free, plus I get my certification packet so that is a big plus too! I'm really excited about it. I feel like I'm really moving things forward and that feels so good!

2nd Night in a row

Teagan slept thru the night again! I'm in total disbelief right now! We even put her to bed an hour earlier than we normally do b/c she missed a nap and was cranky. I woke up this morning with sore boobs and couldn't believe it! She went from TWO nursing sessions to NONE! I'm really proud of her but it feels like I'm losing more and more of my baby! :( She nursed this morning for a good 20 mins though, she sure was hungry! LOL If she is seriously sleeping thru the night and this is not just a one time occurrence, I am really glad I got the IUD when I did! ;)

No dreams this time though! LOL

So, what do I do with a full night's sleep?

I dream of Paul McCartney of course! LOL I still can't believe it. I had a full dream about Paul. Ahhh, dreamy. He looked more like Hugh Grant in my dream but hey, I'm not complaining about that either! I got to kiss the Hugh Grant lookalike Paul McCartney and hang out with him in his penthouse. I told him I wanted to sleep with him! I even said I know he probably wouldn't want to b/c I'm not a gorgeous women and my body is gross because I've given birth to two babies in less then two years, but he said I was the most beautiful real women he's ever seen! OMG! But we got interrupted. I got to see the piano where he composed all his songs and just touching the keys sent shivers down my spine. I was so star struck in my dream! That was one of the best dreams I've had in a long time! I think it would be so cool to meet him in real life! Of course, I'll restrain myself and not tell him I want to sleep with him! LOL

She SLEPT THRU THE NIGHT!!!!

Wow, I forgot how 6 straight hours of sleep feels! I woke up at 4am in a panic! What? Teagan hasn't woken to nurse yet? Usually we're on our 2nd round at this time. So, I lay there for a few seconds and then I start to panic. What if something happened to her? What if she stopped breathing and I wasn't there next to her to know? So, by this time I have got to get up and check on her. I stop at the bathroom first and then I quietly open the door to the girls room. Tolla stirs on her bed and looks at me thru heavy eyelids. I tiptoe over to the crib and there is Teagan, butt high in the air. She's facing the complete opposite way of when I laid her down of course! I still can't tell if she's breathing so I ever so slightly place my hand on her back. Yup, we've got breathing! So, I tiptoe back out of the room, certain that I've just woken her up and go back to bed. I lay there a bit waiting for her to cry, but nothing. So, I roll over and fall back asleep. Then I wake up 3 hours later!!! What?!?!?! She STILL hasn't woken up to nurse? My full heavy breasts confirm this. At this point, I realize, I've just gotten a full night's sleep! Wow, I think it was just a fluke, but only the next couple nights will tell for sure!

IUD

Getting my IUD today. I'm SO nervous! My midwife said I gave birth naturally, this will be a piece of cake, but I'm still nervous! I just hate the thougth of it. I mean, I like that it's going to prevent pregnancy for the time being, but y'know. I'm worried about the pain of insertion. Plus, I have NO one to watch my girls so they will be going with me. I'm kind of worried b/c Tolla will be in the room and I'm wondering if she will be like, what's that lady doing? or what? Tolla usually walks with me now and I put Teagan in the stroller (esp for this as I can't very well have Teagan in the ergo on the table with me, I think that would just be awkward) So I just hope it works out. Maybe I'll get lucky and my fav nurse won't be busy and she'll be able to hang out with Tolla. She does that sometimes for me when I have both of them. We'll see. I just hope it's not that painful.

So sad

We gave our other dog to a shelter on Sunday. I've been meaning to check to see if he's up for adoption and he is. But seeing it was like a punch to my stomach. I started crying again and realized how much I missed them. I know we did this for the benefit of Tolla's health, but it doesn't make the pain any less.

Here is his adoption page: http://www.ddfl.org/adoptable.htm He is located at the buddy center. His name is Othello the Basset mix. He's so sweet. Just a lover and a laid back dog.

Pulling up?

Is it just me or is Teagan pulling herself up way early?!?! It just seems like she is doing things way to fast for me! LOL She hasn't pulled herself up completely to standing, just gets to her knees at this point, but I know it won't be much longer and then once she starts doing that, she'll start cruising, OMG!

China?

So, my dh says to me last night, will you move to China with me if my job sends me there? Um, yeah, of course, but why?!?! LOL No, with his job they have a site in China -- they get some of their products from there. Lately there have been a LOT of problems with the product coming damaged, not put together correctly, a lot of errors that my dh has been having to correct. So, in their meeting yesterday, my dh suggested to his boss that he go over there and set up shop to test the supplies there before shipping to the states to cut costs. The boss is thinking it over, saying it is a good idea. I am very proud of my dh for suggesting this solution to his boss. I know my dh is an awesome engineer and I just love that this company recognizes him. If we go over there it would be an adventure. We've always talked about living overseas and so now it may come true. After the initial shock, I'm kind of hoping it will happen! I think it would be great to expose our girls to different cultures, etc. instead of thinking they are in this little bubble. We'll see what happens next!

Looking so cute today

I just love dressing her in dresses. I think she looks so freaking adorable! And this dress is one of my fall favorites for her this year so she will be wearing it a lot!!! LOL I need to get my $$$ worth.

Ya think she's a Daddy's Girl?!?!?

Five Questions

Allison posted this interview game on her blog and it sounds like fun so I wanted to participate, here is how it works: Leave me a comment saying “Interview me.” I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions. If you don’t have a valid email address on your blog, please provide one. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions. Include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

ok, so here are Allison's questions for me:

1. You mentioned that you are an avid Beatles fan, what is your favorite Beatles song? Who was your favorite Beatle?
Ah, this is hard! I went thru phases where I loved each one but I think the one that stuck out for me is George Harrison. I was devestated when he died. He was the sexy mysterious quiet one to me. I love the songs that he wrote b/c they were of a different style than McCartney/Lennon. My FAVORITE song? oh boy. Hmmm. It really depends. For their early period, I LOVE I've Just Seen a Face or That Boy, both of those I thought were SO romantic when I was a preteen. I remember playing them over and over until I knew them by heart. As I got older, I have to say Let It Be. That one is so powerful. My FAVORITE album is Abbey Road -- I love all the songs on that album. It's just a great album from start to finish!

2. You (like me) have two kids close in age, how have you transitioned into having two so young? Has it been difficult? Do you think you want more?
It wasn't difficult at first for me. I thought wow, this is too easy. What was difficult was the strain it had on my marriage. Teagan was a lot different than Tolla (still is of course), she was more demanding I guess and then if she did cry my dh would tense up and so I was constantly picking her up so she wouldn't cry. It was a vicious cycle. After about the 4th month though it eased up. Now, however, that she is teething it is becoming the same again, only I can't even soothe her now. I find myself losing my patience a lot quicker and some days I hate myself for it. Tolla is fantastic though. She adores her little sister. She tries to be like a mommy so much and I see her playing with her dolls acting like me with Teagan. She even tries to nurse her dolls, it's so freaking cute. It's been a blessing in disguise having them so close together. Sharing a room, playing, sharing mommy and daddy honestly doesn't phase Tolla like it would an older child. I honestly don't know right now if I want more. I definately don't want any more right now. I'm not wired to keep having them one right after the other. And my dh definatley isn't. I'm scheduled to get an IUD on Thurs so that will buy us some time. I don't want to officially close the door though. My dh says he is done unless I can guarantee him a boy - LOL (must be a guy thing). Of course, I love my girls, but I would like to experience the love of a son.


3. Is there anything about your birth experiences that you wish would have gone differently? Is their anything that you want to happen again if you should have another child?
I have been thinking about that a lot lately as I go thru my doula certification. I have to say that both of my births were amazing in their own way. I do wish I had not gotten the epi with Tolla. Not only did I miss the natural aspect of her birth but I have constant back pain from it. Totally not worth it in my opinion. I redeemed myself and had the birth I wanted with Teagan. Completely natural with no intervention or pain medication. I guess if I could go back and have Tolla all over again (LOL) I would have insisted on hiring a doula. I called one that I really wanted to use but couldn't justify the expense to my dh. Now I would be able to give him the why's etc. OH well! IF we do have another, I would LOVE to have a home birth WITH a doula!

4. Tolla is such a pretty name, how did you pick it out? Did you initially decide that Tolla was going to be her name, or did it evolve? What would you have named a boy if you'd have had one (w/ either pregnancy).
Ty! We love her name. It was actually a fluke. We knew we wanted a polish name to reflect our heritage and couldn't agree on one. My dh pointed to Tolla in the baby book and I didn't like it, hated it in fact. He kept insisting on it as a joke to get on my nerves but then we couldn't agree on another one and in my frustration at not having a name the week before I was due said fine, let's just name her Tolla. I chose Prudence as her middle name. Now I can't imagine her with any other name. It's just perfect. It means priceless and that is exactly what she is to us. If we had a boy (or have) he will be named after my dh making him the III but we will call him Trey.

5. I feel like I've known you for a long time (well I guess I have... 3+ years now!) ... but I don't know much about your dh, how you met... what he's like. Can you fill me in?
My dh and I are high school sweethearts. I was a jr and he was a sr when we met. We had a pretty tumultuous beginning but I think when you mean your match that early, you're pretty much scared out of your mind thinking you're supposed to "play the field" or what ever. We were on again off again till I graduated hs. Then he joined the army and I moved in with him. The rest as they say is history! LOL He used to say he never wanted to get married and I remember telling him after it had been about 4 years that I did want to get married and if he wasn't going to then I needed to move on with my life without him. Well, he says I gave him an ultimatum, but I really didn't. I just told him the honest truth. I wasn't going to spend years of my life with someone who didn't want to make a committment. He's a strong silent type. I think that is what attracted me to him b/c I wanted to get to the bottom of his soul. We have gone thru rough moments in our marriage but there is no one I'd rather go thru hard times with than him. He adores me and has never said a negative thing about me which is something rare.

Wow, that was awesome!! Thanks Allison for "interviewing" me and I hope you didn't learn more than you wanted!!

Operation: Share Room

So, I've decided it's time to move Teagan to the crib. This means moving her into Tolla's room and them sharing a room. I was really hesitant to do this and that is why it took me nearly 8 months to do so. We moved Tolla out of our bed @ 4 months. I was really concerned about Teagan waking Tolla up when she wanted to nurse. Then I was concerned about Tolla waking Teagan up when she went to bed. Teagan usually goes to bed 30 mins to an hour before Tolla.

So, day one: I started with by putting Teagan down for an AM nap in the crib. She slept great! No crying which was nice. That night we put Teagan in the crib but I think it was a little too early as she cried. When she's really ready to go to bed she doesn't cry. So we tried again about 30 mins later and she was fine. Then my dh put Tolla to bed as I was working and he said she did great. She knew Teagan was in there already and just said "shhh, baby sleeping" and crawled into her bed. No fuss! I was kind of worried b/c we have normally been reading bed time stories while she lays in her bed but she was fine.

Day two: another AM nap in the crip as well as the PM nap together. That didn't work so well. But I think partly b/c Tolla and I had snoozed a little already earlier in the day so when I put Tolla down for her regular nap, she just played in her room and woke Teagan up. Then last night she did the same thing when she was ready for bed. She said "shh, baby sleeping" opened her door and crawled into bed whispering "night night." Omg, it was too cute! I think Tolla likes having Teagan in there with her. I don't know, for some reason, I think it makes her feel special that we're letting Teagan share her room with her. One of the perks of the 18 mo age difference!!

So, for the most part it's ok. The first night Teagan woke a lot and I tried bringing her into bed with me but then she just woke up and started playing with my face. That was a rough night b/c she ended up waking at 4:30a and not going back to sleep, alternating crying and crawling around. Last night was much better. (Thank goodness) She wakes at 12:30a and 4:30 a to nurse and then was up at 6:30a for the day. That is a little too early for me but I can't let her cry in her crib or she'll wake Tolla and I REALLY don't want Tolla up that early! So, we just hung out and I did some stuff on the computer (like creating my new blog header!) I just need to go to sleep earlier to try to offset the early wake time. Honestly, it was kind of nice being awake with just Teagan (especially since I had cleaned yesterday)! Maybe I can get some sort of scrapbook time in at that hour.

Across the Universe

http://www.acrosstheuniverse.com/

O - M - G --- I CANNOT wait for this movie to come out!!! My dh and I saw a preview for it on another movie we rented last week (and just looked at each other when it was over and said we have to see that) and then I saw it again on the Oprah show today and it looks SO AWESOME.

YES, I LOVE the Beatles. My daughter's middle name is Prudence for a reason people! When I was a kid I had posters all over my walls, a calendar that I then added to my wall after the year was over. I had shirts and one year got 7 Beatles cd's for my bday. I had Beatlemania about 20 years too late. My ultimate dream was to have an all girl band who played only Beatles songs! LOL I just think the concept and the cinemotography of the entire movie looks breathtaking. Of course 33 Beatles songs just makes me giddy.

I think this movie is going to be a classic classic classic. I just can't wait to see it. I haven't been this excited for a movie since I can't even remember when. And to make things even better, the director is a WOMAN! Yeah, women kick ass!!!
We totally needed something like this. All the movies lately have been so blah.

Homemade Baby Food

I forgot how much joy and satisfaction I recieved out of making homemade baby food for Tolla. I just recently started Teagan on solids and made a batch of applesauce the other day to mix in with her cereal and it was so easy and I enjoyed it so much that I can wait to start making the other foods for her. I love seeing all the stacks of frozen baby food in the freezer!

And even though I hated the thought of starting solids with her. Today when I was feeding her and watching her smile and babble just filled my heart with such love that I remembered it doesn't matter that she's not exclusively breastfed anymore. I'm still feeding her with the same amount of care and love as when she's at my breast. She's just growing up and there's not stoping that! LOL She's such a doll and just loved the apples and cereal today!

Daycare

Ugh, I have such hesitations about putting Tolla into daycare. It's only part time. I really like the woman (it's in her home) and she has a daughter that is 9 days younger than Tolla so the same age. I KNOW in my head that it will be good for Tolla to get the social interaction, but my heart is having a hard time letting her go. The thing that is so hard about this is that we're doing it so that I can work full time (we are doing Dave's debt snowball, so my dh and I are both working our asses off) and this week and last I've been working here and there during the day and it totally sucks for Tolla. I've been putting off the daycare expense. She needs that interraction, the undivded attnetion if you will. I can have her playing next to me with puzzles, coloring etc all day long but she still gets to the point where she wants to be on my lap and puts her hands on my cheeks and says "mommo". (She calls me Mommo instead of Mommy, LOL) So, I called the daycare lady today. And will be starting Tolla on Monday most likely. I don't know why this is SO hard for me? I'm sure it's like when I have to start the girls on solids and I hate it b/c I know that my breastmilk isn't totally sustaining them anymore. I kind of feel like I am slowly losing them (even though that is totally irrational) and then when I start to feed them solids, I find that I get such joy out of it that I forget all the anxiety I had over starting it! LOL

I'm sure this will be the same.

Titania

There have been certain events in the past 2 weeks surrounding one of our dogs that I didn't post about. It was much too hard to just deal with it and trying to put my thoughts into words has been very difficult because it would result in me breaking down and crying. However, today, I felt like there has been closure.

What happened is someone (that I work) responded to the email I sent asking if anybody would take our dogs into their homes as their own. I didn't really like the guy that much in my job but thought, well, I only work with him briefly, I shouldn't judge him. Well, lesson learned. Always listen to your gut. He had her not even 24 hours and he let her get loose. She ran away, he says he couldn't find her, but I doubt he even looked for her. I got a call from the animal shelter, saying she was there and under bite quarantine. My dh and I went down there with the girls and turns out there had also been an accident. She was fine. She bit because she was scared. The guy who will now be called asshole never showed up to claim her. Because we left her tags on (lesson # 2 learned, remove tags) we were liable for everything that happened b/c she was still registered to us and we had no proof that we had given ownership to this asshole (lesson #3 learned, dogs are property, when doing something like this, create bill of sale for $1 so there is record). We gave him time to come forward to claim her but asshole never returned my calls, emails, etc. So, we had to pay $113 in order to relinquish her to the shelter as the officer believed us and since Tolla is allergic and that is the reason she was not in our posession he would not allow her to come home with us (also we were not issued a citation for the accident or for her being out which could have been quite hefty). So, there she sat, in a kennel in a part of the shelter labled "Outlaw Alley" which to be honest makes me giggle just b/c I know my sweet sweet Titania. I called and checked on her every day. We filled out her past history so that she could be put for adoption as soon as she was off the quarantine. Today I called and found out that she was adopted! I asked the lady for any details and she said it was an elderly couple. Oh that was just what I prayed for her. I didn't think she should go to a home with small children but to an older couple who could just dote on her and love her all day long.

So, to my sweet Titania. My first furbaby, I wish you all the happiness and lap pettings you deserve!!! You will forever be in my heart. I'm sorry for all the pain and confusion you went thru, but I just hope you have come to a nice comfortable loving home in the end. I love you and miss you always.

I'm actually chilly!!!

You know fall is around the corner when you take down the window a/c units! LOL We took down one of ours today b/c the weather is absolutely gorgeous! I mean, I'm actually chilly in my nursing tank and gouchos. Yes, I wear gouchos, I'm a dork but hey, they are comfy. This is my favorite time of the year. I love it when it's not hot yet not freezing! Soon, the leaves will be turning that beautiful golden color and falling down to the ground. And then the first frost and then little ghosts and goblins will be making their way up to my door! I can't believe Halloween will be here so soon!

Just for the record

I love to hear my husband reading to my daughter. I'm working downstairs and I can hear him reading to Tolla (Teagan is already in bed) and he's making sounds and characters, it's the sweetest and sexiest thing to me!!! I just wanted to note this b/c it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy when I hear him enjoy being the great father I know that he is. Heck, Tolla things he's the greatest thing ever! And, honestly, thru it all, so do I!

I'm impatient

I'm an impatient person. I always have been. When I want something, I want it NOW. NO I wasn't an only child but my only brother was 7 yrs older so maybe I was treated that way somewhat. Anyway, I really really really want to be a doula. After the birth of my 2nd daughter I felt like it was my calling. I knew I couldn't just keep on having children and I've always been fascinated with pregnancy and birth and felt my own were so empowering, etc. so becoming a doula felt right. I remember talking to my midwife about it at my 6 wk pp appt and she felt the same way after the birth of her 2nd child and that is why she became a midwife. It was so great to talk to her and realize that I'm not too old to have finally found what I want to do with me life.

The thing that totally bums me out is that I wish I could take classes, training workshops, attend births etc. RIGHT NOW. I just can't afford it. We can't afford it. I know it will be so nice to get out of debt and this is the thing we must be focused on right now, but it still doesn't help the yearning in my heart to get this started! I don't even know how I will work it out but it just has to. One thing that I know I have to do is at least witness one birth. I've never seen a birth other than my own (other than video) and a part of me is worried that I won't be able to handle it (i.e bodily fluids, etc.). But then the other part of me thinks that I will because I feel so passionate about the whole process -- it just can't be for myself -- I feel this desire to pass it along to other women. All aspects, pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, the post partum period. All of it.

Anyway, on a whim, I decided to check out craigslist to see if there were any doulas advertising there in my area. There was ONE. Just one. And she had a beautiful website that just made me so envious that she is fullfilling her dream and I'm stuck wishing and hoping that someday.... I think I'm going to contact her tomorrow though. She is beginning her certification process (using a different doula certification than I was looking into) so I thought it would be neat to talk to someone who is kind of just starting her journey. I was reading her website and she is becoming a doula for the same reasons that I want to. I felt connected already! Hey, if anything, I might find a new friend. She has a daughter 2 mos older than Teagan and play dates are always nice! ;) And maybe, just maybe we can build a business together. You never know.

Financial Freedom

I am calling all my past medical bills to see what are still outstanding. This is one of our first steps toward financial freedom. I don't know why I let it get so out of control, but I did. I came clean to my husband this weekend and now he is aware of the amount of credit card debt we have and we're both determined to put in the work and get out of debt. There are a lot of situations we are looking at. One of which is for me to go back and live with my parents so I can work full time without paying for daycare. Then he will work overtime and get a second job as well. It was so hard to come clean to him, but once again I underestimated him. His reaction was not horrible like I thought it would be (of course, I regret waiting so long b/c had I come clean before we would not be so bad). He was upset because I kept things from him. He said he's not mad at our situation just that I hid it from him for so long because had he known (of course) it would not have gotten to the point it is. Now we have serious decisions to make. This week I'm gathering all the medical bills to get a clearer picture of it. Seriously, I don't open the bills when they come in anymore. As if that would make them go away. Perverse thinking but that is what I did. So now I have to figure out exactly what is going on. Then we have to see how much money we NEED to make in order to start paying off everything. I got Dave Ramesey's book and after skimming thru it feel that his approach is the one we're going to take. We're pissed and we're going to tackle it. We're going to list our debt from smallest to largest and start paying it off that way. Little by little. We'll make it thru this. And you know what? I dont' think we'll ever be in this position again. Just because one, I won't have all the responsibility anymore and two, we're going to start by having weekly financial meetings so we both know at all times the whole picture.

An Emotional Day

Today, we give our dog, Titania to a new home. She has been our baby since the first year of our marriage and I'm walking around perpetually pissed off because of this decision. Mostly, I'm pissed because my husband said that we needed to find them a new home because of Tolla's allergies and the minute I finally do find a new home for one of them he wants to change his mind. I do too but it's already happened. I've already given up I suppose. The guy is coming in 20 minutes. I know he'll be very prompt because that is the type of person he is. As the minutes count down I get worse and worse. Pissier and Pissier. When I put Tolla down for her nap, I had her give Titania a hug and a kiss. I've told her all day that Titania is going to a new home and will have new sisters. She's only 2, I don't know how much she's understanding. I'm pretty sure it's not going to hurt her like it's hurting me.

The shitty thing is, I've negleted this little dog since Tolla was born. I mean, she's still fed and hydrated but I don't hold her on my lap or pet her like I once used to. Hell, she used to sleep in our bed until we had babies. I remember when I picked her out. I found her online and just fell in love with her cute little face immediately. She was so freakin adorable. And tiny. How is she going to feel? How do you tell a dog that you're doing this because you love her and you love your daughter? In my mind, I'm doing what is best for both of them. Titania is going to a home with a single older guy, he has two other smaller dogs and will get the attention she deserves. And then there is Tolla still. Yes, she is allergic to dogs and its seems to be getting worse even with the medication but she still LOVES those dogs! She hugs them and wrestles with them. And yet I know that's not good for her. And who knows what the long term affects of that medication is.

Oh, and the real kick in the ass for me: I was talking to my brother yesterday and he said you know, when you were two mom and dad found out you were allergic to dogs and that's why we got rid of Lady. Lady is this dog that my dad had when he met my mom. She was the ultimate of all dogs. She was well trained and I always heard stories growing up about Lady. The thing is, I thought she passed away before I was even BORN! I never never never knew that she was around for the first 2 years of my life!!! This, for some reason, was HUGE news for me. And it struck a chord so deep inside it's still resonating. The past 24 hours, I've been searching myself. What does this mean?

Well, less than 15 mins to go. I better go get ready to say my good-byes.

Therapist Appointment

I made an appt to see a therapist today. It's not for another month. But for some reason, I feel liberated just making the appointment. It's not that I think I have major issues or I feel depressed. There are just some things that I would like to air out with someone not completely involved in my life, ie. husband, mom, brother, friends. Some things that are in my mind that I think about regarding my life and all that is going on with it don't need to be told to people I know! LOL At least those that I see on a daily basis anyway. I'm much more open to my friends on my mommy boards than the friends I see in real life. But I'm sure that is how it is for most people.

Some of the things that I feel need to be aired are "issues" between my husband and me. Sometimes I feel like I'm not sure who I married anymore (and if he were completely honest, I think he'd say the same thing). It's not that I don't love him, because I love him so much. I married him for a reason. It's just that I feel like we're pulling in the opposite direction of each other. I don't think he's happy with his life as a father and that's part of the thing that destroys me. When we got married he said he wanted 4 kids and now it's changing and me, I want more more more! LOL I secretly envy women with large families. I think of how much those kids are going to have in the future when all they have are each other.

The other thing is money. Ahhh, that's the huge one. It seems like in the 12 years we've known each other, we've always been struggling and we make way MORE now than we ever have! I know that has something to do with our spending (I'm not naive) but it's something that I seriously need to get a handle on. Money doesn't determine MY happiness but when we struggle like we do, I can feel the pressure on my DH a lot more and see it affecting his personality. I think sometimes, if we didn't have those damn money problems, we'd be so happy, but I'm sure there would be something else. So there lies the therapist. First for me. Then I'll approach my DH about doing joint therapy or even individual for him. I'm so open to that.

Tolla & her bags

My daughter Tolla must have her purse with her at all times or as she has preferred today this clear backpack from a disney doll! LOL It is the cutest thing ever and she asks me a million times to put it on and off her. She likes to remove all the contents and then place them back. Then as she finds new things she will add them to her bag. Note to self: If keys or wallet become missing, check Tolla's purses (there are three of them) and backpack. At least the backpack is clear and I can see quite easily what is in there!!! Once I can figure out how to post pics, I will post some of her and her many purses/backpack!

I'm a blogger...

So, I've come to the new age. I'm a blogger. I used to have journals when I was a teen so this feels like coming back to those good ole days of writing down my thoughts. SO many times I think things, in the car, in the shower, lying in bed that I would like to write down to remember a certain feeling or emotion but then I never do. Maybe with this it will be easier. I have so many paths that I want to go down right now. I'm just trying to figure out which one to take first and when I will be able to fulfill my dream of a career that brings me so much more than just an income. Being a woman of 28 has made me realize I am no longer a child and that I want to be my own person. Yes I have a family. I have a husband and two beautiful daughters. But I'm still an individual even though I am defined as a wife and mother. I want to find the girl I once was and bring her out again. I kind of miss her. She was wild and free and original. She's still there, lurking, waiting for me to let her out again! LOL I think she was waiting for the right moment. And, with 30 around the corner. It's time!!