Financial Freedom

I am calling all my past medical bills to see what are still outstanding. This is one of our first steps toward financial freedom. I don't know why I let it get so out of control, but I did. I came clean to my husband this weekend and now he is aware of the amount of credit card debt we have and we're both determined to put in the work and get out of debt. There are a lot of situations we are looking at. One of which is for me to go back and live with my parents so I can work full time without paying for daycare. Then he will work overtime and get a second job as well. It was so hard to come clean to him, but once again I underestimated him. His reaction was not horrible like I thought it would be (of course, I regret waiting so long b/c had I come clean before we would not be so bad). He was upset because I kept things from him. He said he's not mad at our situation just that I hid it from him for so long because had he known (of course) it would not have gotten to the point it is. Now we have serious decisions to make. This week I'm gathering all the medical bills to get a clearer picture of it. Seriously, I don't open the bills when they come in anymore. As if that would make them go away. Perverse thinking but that is what I did. So now I have to figure out exactly what is going on. Then we have to see how much money we NEED to make in order to start paying off everything. I got Dave Ramesey's book and after skimming thru it feel that his approach is the one we're going to take. We're pissed and we're going to tackle it. We're going to list our debt from smallest to largest and start paying it off that way. Little by little. We'll make it thru this. And you know what? I dont' think we'll ever be in this position again. Just because one, I won't have all the responsibility anymore and two, we're going to start by having weekly financial meetings so we both know at all times the whole picture.

An Emotional Day

Today, we give our dog, Titania to a new home. She has been our baby since the first year of our marriage and I'm walking around perpetually pissed off because of this decision. Mostly, I'm pissed because my husband said that we needed to find them a new home because of Tolla's allergies and the minute I finally do find a new home for one of them he wants to change his mind. I do too but it's already happened. I've already given up I suppose. The guy is coming in 20 minutes. I know he'll be very prompt because that is the type of person he is. As the minutes count down I get worse and worse. Pissier and Pissier. When I put Tolla down for her nap, I had her give Titania a hug and a kiss. I've told her all day that Titania is going to a new home and will have new sisters. She's only 2, I don't know how much she's understanding. I'm pretty sure it's not going to hurt her like it's hurting me.

The shitty thing is, I've negleted this little dog since Tolla was born. I mean, she's still fed and hydrated but I don't hold her on my lap or pet her like I once used to. Hell, she used to sleep in our bed until we had babies. I remember when I picked her out. I found her online and just fell in love with her cute little face immediately. She was so freakin adorable. And tiny. How is she going to feel? How do you tell a dog that you're doing this because you love her and you love your daughter? In my mind, I'm doing what is best for both of them. Titania is going to a home with a single older guy, he has two other smaller dogs and will get the attention she deserves. And then there is Tolla still. Yes, she is allergic to dogs and its seems to be getting worse even with the medication but she still LOVES those dogs! She hugs them and wrestles with them. And yet I know that's not good for her. And who knows what the long term affects of that medication is.

Oh, and the real kick in the ass for me: I was talking to my brother yesterday and he said you know, when you were two mom and dad found out you were allergic to dogs and that's why we got rid of Lady. Lady is this dog that my dad had when he met my mom. She was the ultimate of all dogs. She was well trained and I always heard stories growing up about Lady. The thing is, I thought she passed away before I was even BORN! I never never never knew that she was around for the first 2 years of my life!!! This, for some reason, was HUGE news for me. And it struck a chord so deep inside it's still resonating. The past 24 hours, I've been searching myself. What does this mean?

Well, less than 15 mins to go. I better go get ready to say my good-byes.

Therapist Appointment

I made an appt to see a therapist today. It's not for another month. But for some reason, I feel liberated just making the appointment. It's not that I think I have major issues or I feel depressed. There are just some things that I would like to air out with someone not completely involved in my life, ie. husband, mom, brother, friends. Some things that are in my mind that I think about regarding my life and all that is going on with it don't need to be told to people I know! LOL At least those that I see on a daily basis anyway. I'm much more open to my friends on my mommy boards than the friends I see in real life. But I'm sure that is how it is for most people.

Some of the things that I feel need to be aired are "issues" between my husband and me. Sometimes I feel like I'm not sure who I married anymore (and if he were completely honest, I think he'd say the same thing). It's not that I don't love him, because I love him so much. I married him for a reason. It's just that I feel like we're pulling in the opposite direction of each other. I don't think he's happy with his life as a father and that's part of the thing that destroys me. When we got married he said he wanted 4 kids and now it's changing and me, I want more more more! LOL I secretly envy women with large families. I think of how much those kids are going to have in the future when all they have are each other.

The other thing is money. Ahhh, that's the huge one. It seems like in the 12 years we've known each other, we've always been struggling and we make way MORE now than we ever have! I know that has something to do with our spending (I'm not naive) but it's something that I seriously need to get a handle on. Money doesn't determine MY happiness but when we struggle like we do, I can feel the pressure on my DH a lot more and see it affecting his personality. I think sometimes, if we didn't have those damn money problems, we'd be so happy, but I'm sure there would be something else. So there lies the therapist. First for me. Then I'll approach my DH about doing joint therapy or even individual for him. I'm so open to that.

Tolla & her bags

My daughter Tolla must have her purse with her at all times or as she has preferred today this clear backpack from a disney doll! LOL It is the cutest thing ever and she asks me a million times to put it on and off her. She likes to remove all the contents and then place them back. Then as she finds new things she will add them to her bag. Note to self: If keys or wallet become missing, check Tolla's purses (there are three of them) and backpack. At least the backpack is clear and I can see quite easily what is in there!!! Once I can figure out how to post pics, I will post some of her and her many purses/backpack!

I'm a blogger...

So, I've come to the new age. I'm a blogger. I used to have journals when I was a teen so this feels like coming back to those good ole days of writing down my thoughts. SO many times I think things, in the car, in the shower, lying in bed that I would like to write down to remember a certain feeling or emotion but then I never do. Maybe with this it will be easier. I have so many paths that I want to go down right now. I'm just trying to figure out which one to take first and when I will be able to fulfill my dream of a career that brings me so much more than just an income. Being a woman of 28 has made me realize I am no longer a child and that I want to be my own person. Yes I have a family. I have a husband and two beautiful daughters. But I'm still an individual even though I am defined as a wife and mother. I want to find the girl I once was and bring her out again. I kind of miss her. She was wild and free and original. She's still there, lurking, waiting for me to let her out again! LOL I think she was waiting for the right moment. And, with 30 around the corner. It's time!!