Another milestone!

Teagan pulled herself up the other day. I couldn't believe it! Though I knew it was coming b/c she has been pulling herself to her knees on me. She has also started to crawl more on her hands and knees though when she really wants to get somewhere she changes back her army crawl b/c she can get around faster! LOL I honestly think she will begin cruising any day now. She just has to build a little more strength in her legs. Also, her 2nd tooth has pushed thru so now she has TEETH! LOL

I took her to The Picture People today (to enter her in the YoBaby contest of course!) I ended up getting a free 10x13 of her standing and an 8x10 of her naked little smile. Here they are. I love them! I can't wait to hang the pic of her standing since I had an empty frame for it already. I need to buy a frame for the 8x10 -- looks like I'll be going to big lots tomorrow! LOL

And the streak is over

Teagan woke up last night @ 3:30a to nurse! :( It was nice while it lasted. Her new tooth busted thru so maybe that was what woke her. We'll see how it goes this week!

SIL is pregnant

My mil called this morning and told my dh that his sister is pregnant. This will be her 3rd child. She has 2 cute little boys about 22 months apart. The oldest is 5 and the youngest 3. When I found out I was so excited but then immediately I got sad. This is very strange to me. I think it's b/c I just got my IUD and I KNOW I can't get pregnant right now. It's just a very strange feeling. Even thought I do NOT want to get pregnant right now and that it would totally KILL my marriage if I did, it's just weird knowing that I can't. And then the question pops into my mind, will I EVER have another baby? I don't know? My dh just doesn't seem fit for any more. I mean, he had a really hard time transitioning with Teagan and still has moments. As for me, I feel lately that I've even been having moments of meltdown. So I know a 3rd at this moment is not good for us but it was just that feeling of will I? that totally got me down. I feel a good victory is that I did get the IUD and we didn't do anything permanent so we were able to keep our options open. I think we'll be able to revisit the possibility again once we get back on our feet financially. IF we ever do have another, we definitely need to have a bigger house. Or maybe I just have to come to peace with the fact that we are a family of four.

CAPPA

My mom bought me two years membership so I can get on my way to getting my doula certification. I decided to become a childbirth educator first though. I think it is more fitting for my life right now with two young children. CAPPA has a scholarship program and I sent my application in yesterday. It has to be in by Oct 1, so fingers crossed that it gets there in time. I'm not holding my breath to receive the scholarship though. I feel like I'm probably not the person who most needs it, but it sure would be helpful. As I was doing more research on becoming a doula, I came across Rocky Mountain Doula Educators and have been emailing back and forth with regard to hosting a Doula Workshop next year. This would really help with the cost (it's $365) and if I host I get a sizable discount if not get the training for free, plus I get my certification packet so that is a big plus too! I'm really excited about it. I feel like I'm really moving things forward and that feels so good!

2nd Night in a row

Teagan slept thru the night again! I'm in total disbelief right now! We even put her to bed an hour earlier than we normally do b/c she missed a nap and was cranky. I woke up this morning with sore boobs and couldn't believe it! She went from TWO nursing sessions to NONE! I'm really proud of her but it feels like I'm losing more and more of my baby! :( She nursed this morning for a good 20 mins though, she sure was hungry! LOL If she is seriously sleeping thru the night and this is not just a one time occurrence, I am really glad I got the IUD when I did! ;)

No dreams this time though! LOL

So, what do I do with a full night's sleep?

I dream of Paul McCartney of course! LOL I still can't believe it. I had a full dream about Paul. Ahhh, dreamy. He looked more like Hugh Grant in my dream but hey, I'm not complaining about that either! I got to kiss the Hugh Grant lookalike Paul McCartney and hang out with him in his penthouse. I told him I wanted to sleep with him! I even said I know he probably wouldn't want to b/c I'm not a gorgeous women and my body is gross because I've given birth to two babies in less then two years, but he said I was the most beautiful real women he's ever seen! OMG! But we got interrupted. I got to see the piano where he composed all his songs and just touching the keys sent shivers down my spine. I was so star struck in my dream! That was one of the best dreams I've had in a long time! I think it would be so cool to meet him in real life! Of course, I'll restrain myself and not tell him I want to sleep with him! LOL

She SLEPT THRU THE NIGHT!!!!

Wow, I forgot how 6 straight hours of sleep feels! I woke up at 4am in a panic! What? Teagan hasn't woken to nurse yet? Usually we're on our 2nd round at this time. So, I lay there for a few seconds and then I start to panic. What if something happened to her? What if she stopped breathing and I wasn't there next to her to know? So, by this time I have got to get up and check on her. I stop at the bathroom first and then I quietly open the door to the girls room. Tolla stirs on her bed and looks at me thru heavy eyelids. I tiptoe over to the crib and there is Teagan, butt high in the air. She's facing the complete opposite way of when I laid her down of course! I still can't tell if she's breathing so I ever so slightly place my hand on her back. Yup, we've got breathing! So, I tiptoe back out of the room, certain that I've just woken her up and go back to bed. I lay there a bit waiting for her to cry, but nothing. So, I roll over and fall back asleep. Then I wake up 3 hours later!!! What?!?!?! She STILL hasn't woken up to nurse? My full heavy breasts confirm this. At this point, I realize, I've just gotten a full night's sleep! Wow, I think it was just a fluke, but only the next couple nights will tell for sure!

IUD

Getting my IUD today. I'm SO nervous! My midwife said I gave birth naturally, this will be a piece of cake, but I'm still nervous! I just hate the thougth of it. I mean, I like that it's going to prevent pregnancy for the time being, but y'know. I'm worried about the pain of insertion. Plus, I have NO one to watch my girls so they will be going with me. I'm kind of worried b/c Tolla will be in the room and I'm wondering if she will be like, what's that lady doing? or what? Tolla usually walks with me now and I put Teagan in the stroller (esp for this as I can't very well have Teagan in the ergo on the table with me, I think that would just be awkward) So I just hope it works out. Maybe I'll get lucky and my fav nurse won't be busy and she'll be able to hang out with Tolla. She does that sometimes for me when I have both of them. We'll see. I just hope it's not that painful.

So sad

We gave our other dog to a shelter on Sunday. I've been meaning to check to see if he's up for adoption and he is. But seeing it was like a punch to my stomach. I started crying again and realized how much I missed them. I know we did this for the benefit of Tolla's health, but it doesn't make the pain any less.

Here is his adoption page: http://www.ddfl.org/adoptable.htm He is located at the buddy center. His name is Othello the Basset mix. He's so sweet. Just a lover and a laid back dog.

Pulling up?

Is it just me or is Teagan pulling herself up way early?!?! It just seems like she is doing things way to fast for me! LOL She hasn't pulled herself up completely to standing, just gets to her knees at this point, but I know it won't be much longer and then once she starts doing that, she'll start cruising, OMG!

China?

So, my dh says to me last night, will you move to China with me if my job sends me there? Um, yeah, of course, but why?!?! LOL No, with his job they have a site in China -- they get some of their products from there. Lately there have been a LOT of problems with the product coming damaged, not put together correctly, a lot of errors that my dh has been having to correct. So, in their meeting yesterday, my dh suggested to his boss that he go over there and set up shop to test the supplies there before shipping to the states to cut costs. The boss is thinking it over, saying it is a good idea. I am very proud of my dh for suggesting this solution to his boss. I know my dh is an awesome engineer and I just love that this company recognizes him. If we go over there it would be an adventure. We've always talked about living overseas and so now it may come true. After the initial shock, I'm kind of hoping it will happen! I think it would be great to expose our girls to different cultures, etc. instead of thinking they are in this little bubble. We'll see what happens next!

Looking so cute today

I just love dressing her in dresses. I think she looks so freaking adorable! And this dress is one of my fall favorites for her this year so she will be wearing it a lot!!! LOL I need to get my $$$ worth.

Ya think she's a Daddy's Girl?!?!?

Five Questions

Allison posted this interview game on her blog and it sounds like fun so I wanted to participate, here is how it works: Leave me a comment saying “Interview me.” I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions. If you don’t have a valid email address on your blog, please provide one. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions. Include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

ok, so here are Allison's questions for me:

1. You mentioned that you are an avid Beatles fan, what is your favorite Beatles song? Who was your favorite Beatle?
Ah, this is hard! I went thru phases where I loved each one but I think the one that stuck out for me is George Harrison. I was devestated when he died. He was the sexy mysterious quiet one to me. I love the songs that he wrote b/c they were of a different style than McCartney/Lennon. My FAVORITE song? oh boy. Hmmm. It really depends. For their early period, I LOVE I've Just Seen a Face or That Boy, both of those I thought were SO romantic when I was a preteen. I remember playing them over and over until I knew them by heart. As I got older, I have to say Let It Be. That one is so powerful. My FAVORITE album is Abbey Road -- I love all the songs on that album. It's just a great album from start to finish!

2. You (like me) have two kids close in age, how have you transitioned into having two so young? Has it been difficult? Do you think you want more?
It wasn't difficult at first for me. I thought wow, this is too easy. What was difficult was the strain it had on my marriage. Teagan was a lot different than Tolla (still is of course), she was more demanding I guess and then if she did cry my dh would tense up and so I was constantly picking her up so she wouldn't cry. It was a vicious cycle. After about the 4th month though it eased up. Now, however, that she is teething it is becoming the same again, only I can't even soothe her now. I find myself losing my patience a lot quicker and some days I hate myself for it. Tolla is fantastic though. She adores her little sister. She tries to be like a mommy so much and I see her playing with her dolls acting like me with Teagan. She even tries to nurse her dolls, it's so freaking cute. It's been a blessing in disguise having them so close together. Sharing a room, playing, sharing mommy and daddy honestly doesn't phase Tolla like it would an older child. I honestly don't know right now if I want more. I definately don't want any more right now. I'm not wired to keep having them one right after the other. And my dh definatley isn't. I'm scheduled to get an IUD on Thurs so that will buy us some time. I don't want to officially close the door though. My dh says he is done unless I can guarantee him a boy - LOL (must be a guy thing). Of course, I love my girls, but I would like to experience the love of a son.


3. Is there anything about your birth experiences that you wish would have gone differently? Is their anything that you want to happen again if you should have another child?
I have been thinking about that a lot lately as I go thru my doula certification. I have to say that both of my births were amazing in their own way. I do wish I had not gotten the epi with Tolla. Not only did I miss the natural aspect of her birth but I have constant back pain from it. Totally not worth it in my opinion. I redeemed myself and had the birth I wanted with Teagan. Completely natural with no intervention or pain medication. I guess if I could go back and have Tolla all over again (LOL) I would have insisted on hiring a doula. I called one that I really wanted to use but couldn't justify the expense to my dh. Now I would be able to give him the why's etc. OH well! IF we do have another, I would LOVE to have a home birth WITH a doula!

4. Tolla is such a pretty name, how did you pick it out? Did you initially decide that Tolla was going to be her name, or did it evolve? What would you have named a boy if you'd have had one (w/ either pregnancy).
Ty! We love her name. It was actually a fluke. We knew we wanted a polish name to reflect our heritage and couldn't agree on one. My dh pointed to Tolla in the baby book and I didn't like it, hated it in fact. He kept insisting on it as a joke to get on my nerves but then we couldn't agree on another one and in my frustration at not having a name the week before I was due said fine, let's just name her Tolla. I chose Prudence as her middle name. Now I can't imagine her with any other name. It's just perfect. It means priceless and that is exactly what she is to us. If we had a boy (or have) he will be named after my dh making him the III but we will call him Trey.

5. I feel like I've known you for a long time (well I guess I have... 3+ years now!) ... but I don't know much about your dh, how you met... what he's like. Can you fill me in?
My dh and I are high school sweethearts. I was a jr and he was a sr when we met. We had a pretty tumultuous beginning but I think when you mean your match that early, you're pretty much scared out of your mind thinking you're supposed to "play the field" or what ever. We were on again off again till I graduated hs. Then he joined the army and I moved in with him. The rest as they say is history! LOL He used to say he never wanted to get married and I remember telling him after it had been about 4 years that I did want to get married and if he wasn't going to then I needed to move on with my life without him. Well, he says I gave him an ultimatum, but I really didn't. I just told him the honest truth. I wasn't going to spend years of my life with someone who didn't want to make a committment. He's a strong silent type. I think that is what attracted me to him b/c I wanted to get to the bottom of his soul. We have gone thru rough moments in our marriage but there is no one I'd rather go thru hard times with than him. He adores me and has never said a negative thing about me which is something rare.

Wow, that was awesome!! Thanks Allison for "interviewing" me and I hope you didn't learn more than you wanted!!

Operation: Share Room

So, I've decided it's time to move Teagan to the crib. This means moving her into Tolla's room and them sharing a room. I was really hesitant to do this and that is why it took me nearly 8 months to do so. We moved Tolla out of our bed @ 4 months. I was really concerned about Teagan waking Tolla up when she wanted to nurse. Then I was concerned about Tolla waking Teagan up when she went to bed. Teagan usually goes to bed 30 mins to an hour before Tolla.

So, day one: I started with by putting Teagan down for an AM nap in the crib. She slept great! No crying which was nice. That night we put Teagan in the crib but I think it was a little too early as she cried. When she's really ready to go to bed she doesn't cry. So we tried again about 30 mins later and she was fine. Then my dh put Tolla to bed as I was working and he said she did great. She knew Teagan was in there already and just said "shhh, baby sleeping" and crawled into her bed. No fuss! I was kind of worried b/c we have normally been reading bed time stories while she lays in her bed but she was fine.

Day two: another AM nap in the crip as well as the PM nap together. That didn't work so well. But I think partly b/c Tolla and I had snoozed a little already earlier in the day so when I put Tolla down for her regular nap, she just played in her room and woke Teagan up. Then last night she did the same thing when she was ready for bed. She said "shh, baby sleeping" opened her door and crawled into bed whispering "night night." Omg, it was too cute! I think Tolla likes having Teagan in there with her. I don't know, for some reason, I think it makes her feel special that we're letting Teagan share her room with her. One of the perks of the 18 mo age difference!!

So, for the most part it's ok. The first night Teagan woke a lot and I tried bringing her into bed with me but then she just woke up and started playing with my face. That was a rough night b/c she ended up waking at 4:30a and not going back to sleep, alternating crying and crawling around. Last night was much better. (Thank goodness) She wakes at 12:30a and 4:30 a to nurse and then was up at 6:30a for the day. That is a little too early for me but I can't let her cry in her crib or she'll wake Tolla and I REALLY don't want Tolla up that early! So, we just hung out and I did some stuff on the computer (like creating my new blog header!) I just need to go to sleep earlier to try to offset the early wake time. Honestly, it was kind of nice being awake with just Teagan (especially since I had cleaned yesterday)! Maybe I can get some sort of scrapbook time in at that hour.

Across the Universe

http://www.acrosstheuniverse.com/

O - M - G --- I CANNOT wait for this movie to come out!!! My dh and I saw a preview for it on another movie we rented last week (and just looked at each other when it was over and said we have to see that) and then I saw it again on the Oprah show today and it looks SO AWESOME.

YES, I LOVE the Beatles. My daughter's middle name is Prudence for a reason people! When I was a kid I had posters all over my walls, a calendar that I then added to my wall after the year was over. I had shirts and one year got 7 Beatles cd's for my bday. I had Beatlemania about 20 years too late. My ultimate dream was to have an all girl band who played only Beatles songs! LOL I just think the concept and the cinemotography of the entire movie looks breathtaking. Of course 33 Beatles songs just makes me giddy.

I think this movie is going to be a classic classic classic. I just can't wait to see it. I haven't been this excited for a movie since I can't even remember when. And to make things even better, the director is a WOMAN! Yeah, women kick ass!!!
We totally needed something like this. All the movies lately have been so blah.

Homemade Baby Food

I forgot how much joy and satisfaction I recieved out of making homemade baby food for Tolla. I just recently started Teagan on solids and made a batch of applesauce the other day to mix in with her cereal and it was so easy and I enjoyed it so much that I can wait to start making the other foods for her. I love seeing all the stacks of frozen baby food in the freezer!

And even though I hated the thought of starting solids with her. Today when I was feeding her and watching her smile and babble just filled my heart with such love that I remembered it doesn't matter that she's not exclusively breastfed anymore. I'm still feeding her with the same amount of care and love as when she's at my breast. She's just growing up and there's not stoping that! LOL She's such a doll and just loved the apples and cereal today!

Daycare

Ugh, I have such hesitations about putting Tolla into daycare. It's only part time. I really like the woman (it's in her home) and she has a daughter that is 9 days younger than Tolla so the same age. I KNOW in my head that it will be good for Tolla to get the social interaction, but my heart is having a hard time letting her go. The thing that is so hard about this is that we're doing it so that I can work full time (we are doing Dave's debt snowball, so my dh and I are both working our asses off) and this week and last I've been working here and there during the day and it totally sucks for Tolla. I've been putting off the daycare expense. She needs that interraction, the undivded attnetion if you will. I can have her playing next to me with puzzles, coloring etc all day long but she still gets to the point where she wants to be on my lap and puts her hands on my cheeks and says "mommo". (She calls me Mommo instead of Mommy, LOL) So, I called the daycare lady today. And will be starting Tolla on Monday most likely. I don't know why this is SO hard for me? I'm sure it's like when I have to start the girls on solids and I hate it b/c I know that my breastmilk isn't totally sustaining them anymore. I kind of feel like I am slowly losing them (even though that is totally irrational) and then when I start to feed them solids, I find that I get such joy out of it that I forget all the anxiety I had over starting it! LOL

I'm sure this will be the same.

Titania

There have been certain events in the past 2 weeks surrounding one of our dogs that I didn't post about. It was much too hard to just deal with it and trying to put my thoughts into words has been very difficult because it would result in me breaking down and crying. However, today, I felt like there has been closure.

What happened is someone (that I work) responded to the email I sent asking if anybody would take our dogs into their homes as their own. I didn't really like the guy that much in my job but thought, well, I only work with him briefly, I shouldn't judge him. Well, lesson learned. Always listen to your gut. He had her not even 24 hours and he let her get loose. She ran away, he says he couldn't find her, but I doubt he even looked for her. I got a call from the animal shelter, saying she was there and under bite quarantine. My dh and I went down there with the girls and turns out there had also been an accident. She was fine. She bit because she was scared. The guy who will now be called asshole never showed up to claim her. Because we left her tags on (lesson # 2 learned, remove tags) we were liable for everything that happened b/c she was still registered to us and we had no proof that we had given ownership to this asshole (lesson #3 learned, dogs are property, when doing something like this, create bill of sale for $1 so there is record). We gave him time to come forward to claim her but asshole never returned my calls, emails, etc. So, we had to pay $113 in order to relinquish her to the shelter as the officer believed us and since Tolla is allergic and that is the reason she was not in our posession he would not allow her to come home with us (also we were not issued a citation for the accident or for her being out which could have been quite hefty). So, there she sat, in a kennel in a part of the shelter labled "Outlaw Alley" which to be honest makes me giggle just b/c I know my sweet sweet Titania. I called and checked on her every day. We filled out her past history so that she could be put for adoption as soon as she was off the quarantine. Today I called and found out that she was adopted! I asked the lady for any details and she said it was an elderly couple. Oh that was just what I prayed for her. I didn't think she should go to a home with small children but to an older couple who could just dote on her and love her all day long.

So, to my sweet Titania. My first furbaby, I wish you all the happiness and lap pettings you deserve!!! You will forever be in my heart. I'm sorry for all the pain and confusion you went thru, but I just hope you have come to a nice comfortable loving home in the end. I love you and miss you always.

I'm actually chilly!!!

You know fall is around the corner when you take down the window a/c units! LOL We took down one of ours today b/c the weather is absolutely gorgeous! I mean, I'm actually chilly in my nursing tank and gouchos. Yes, I wear gouchos, I'm a dork but hey, they are comfy. This is my favorite time of the year. I love it when it's not hot yet not freezing! Soon, the leaves will be turning that beautiful golden color and falling down to the ground. And then the first frost and then little ghosts and goblins will be making their way up to my door! I can't believe Halloween will be here so soon!

Just for the record

I love to hear my husband reading to my daughter. I'm working downstairs and I can hear him reading to Tolla (Teagan is already in bed) and he's making sounds and characters, it's the sweetest and sexiest thing to me!!! I just wanted to note this b/c it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy when I hear him enjoy being the great father I know that he is. Heck, Tolla things he's the greatest thing ever! And, honestly, thru it all, so do I!

I'm impatient

I'm an impatient person. I always have been. When I want something, I want it NOW. NO I wasn't an only child but my only brother was 7 yrs older so maybe I was treated that way somewhat. Anyway, I really really really want to be a doula. After the birth of my 2nd daughter I felt like it was my calling. I knew I couldn't just keep on having children and I've always been fascinated with pregnancy and birth and felt my own were so empowering, etc. so becoming a doula felt right. I remember talking to my midwife about it at my 6 wk pp appt and she felt the same way after the birth of her 2nd child and that is why she became a midwife. It was so great to talk to her and realize that I'm not too old to have finally found what I want to do with me life.

The thing that totally bums me out is that I wish I could take classes, training workshops, attend births etc. RIGHT NOW. I just can't afford it. We can't afford it. I know it will be so nice to get out of debt and this is the thing we must be focused on right now, but it still doesn't help the yearning in my heart to get this started! I don't even know how I will work it out but it just has to. One thing that I know I have to do is at least witness one birth. I've never seen a birth other than my own (other than video) and a part of me is worried that I won't be able to handle it (i.e bodily fluids, etc.). But then the other part of me thinks that I will because I feel so passionate about the whole process -- it just can't be for myself -- I feel this desire to pass it along to other women. All aspects, pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, the post partum period. All of it.

Anyway, on a whim, I decided to check out craigslist to see if there were any doulas advertising there in my area. There was ONE. Just one. And she had a beautiful website that just made me so envious that she is fullfilling her dream and I'm stuck wishing and hoping that someday.... I think I'm going to contact her tomorrow though. She is beginning her certification process (using a different doula certification than I was looking into) so I thought it would be neat to talk to someone who is kind of just starting her journey. I was reading her website and she is becoming a doula for the same reasons that I want to. I felt connected already! Hey, if anything, I might find a new friend. She has a daughter 2 mos older than Teagan and play dates are always nice! ;) And maybe, just maybe we can build a business together. You never know.